What You Say About Me Says a Lot About You

It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. ~Henry David Thoreau

Mentoring is an important component of Toastmasters International, of which I am a member. Mentoring offers new and existing members the opportunity to learn and grow from more experienced folks. I have been assigned as a mentor a couple of times. However, recently a club member approached me, asking “Sheila, would you be my mentor?”

I was delighted to be asked, and we formed a relationship that demonstrated once again the power of working with someone who, already accomplished in her own right, was open and willing to receiving feedback. In fact, not only was she open to feedback, she soaked it up like the proverbial sponge. As well, she welcomed my probing questions in the spirit of using them to learn and grow as a speaker.

In her evaluation of my mentoring, my mentee called me The Soul Whisperer. This was a new term for me, and I asked my mentee if she had made it up or heard it elsewhere. She e-mailed, “ No, I had not heard or read of it before. It came to mind when I asked myself how I would sum my experience with you.” It was, of course, most gratifying that she got so much out of the experience. Says a great deal about who she is as a learner and a leader.

In case I had any intentions of erecting a pedestal in homage to my new status as The Soul Whisperer, someone quickly came along to knock me off that particular construction site! You see, there is someone in my circle who sees me quite differently. In the spirit of being helpful, I’m sure, she has, for some reason, fallen into the habit of pointing out to me all the ways that I need to improve. At first, I was open to her comments but now they seem to have crossed over a boundary between helpfulness and just being critical. It seems I am seen as a “fixer-upper,” like the old house that has potential but lots of flaws. The latest bit of advice is that my hugs need improvement.

Now, I do not want to off-handedly dismiss my friend’s opinion. Hugs are obviously important to her. However, unlike her, I do not always greet with a hug; thus, I’ve decided against judging my hugs as good or bad, right or wrong because … well, it kinda spoils the hugging experience, does it not? If other people want to judge hugs, that’s their “stuff.”

Am I The Soul Whisperer or a fixer-upper? I would say I am probably both, and a whole lot more. As an individual, I am, like you, gifted as well as flawed, not always perfect but seeing the perfection in who I am.

When we become grounded in who we are, other’s opinions, gracious or not, are accepted for what they are … a reflection of the other person, not to be disregarded but to be embraced in light of who we know we truly are.

Whatever any individual sees in me is but one aspect of who I am, and even The Soul Whisperer cannot please all the people all the time.

P.S. Since writing this, I have learned that my oldest brother, Grant, is on life support in an intensive care unit. He is a big, strong guy, but is still seriously ill and not expected home from hospital until Christmas. What a reminder of how tenuous, and oft times silly, all of this worldly stuff is. We are miles apart, physically; however, I imagine putting my arms around him, holding him, and sending him loving hugs nightly.

Coach Yourself: Who in your life is not measuring up to all that you think they could be? What does your opinion say about YOU?

Eating Crow and Meeting the Top Dog

Those of you who know me know that one of my mantras over the past ten-plus years has been, “You can’t change the system.” To which I would always add, “You can only change yourself.” It is time for me to eat crow, which according to Wikipedia, implies humiliating myself after “being proven wrong after taking a strong position.” OK … wouldn’t be the first time that has happened. I have, after all, been around the block a few times.

But … enough of the humiliation thing. What I now realize is that we, as individuals, are systems! Thus, when we change ourselves, we are making a system change (and, hopefully, a system uprgrade).

As a system, humans are rather fascinating. Like all systems, we have components which are , in and of themselves, systems. Heart, lungs, and brain are systems within the body system. Our thoughts, beliefs, and values are also components of the system. In the past three years, I've done advanced, leading edge coach training with several individuals related to systems.

One of those individuals, Rachel Conerly, is the author of The Collaborative Operating System^TM , a simple but brilliant antidote to the old hierarchical system in which we are so completely, and largely unconsciously, immersed. The hierarchy is like the white elephant in the room … we don’t talk about it, but we rail and flail against it. Whether on the global stage with riots in the Middle East, on the local political scene with wars of words, or around the water cooler in the workplace, there is resistance to what is and longing for something better.

One of the things that I've gotten super clear on is that each of us, as human beings, is a system operating within larger and larger systems. The impact of this interplay of systems is profound. From a hierarchical perspective, there is always a top dog. In organizations, this is “the boss” who often has a boss, who also has a boss, and so on.

Individually, there is often a top dog as well … a part of us that is in control or dominates much of the time. For many of my clients, I’ve labeled their top dog as their “should-er.” For them, should’s are in charge: I should get this report done, I should spend more time with my family, I should get some rest, I should be a volunteer. Their should-er is running their lives.

On a personal level, my top dog for the past couple of years has been focused on writing a book. It has the working title, “The Boss and Me and the System Makes Three." I look forward to sharing more about that with you in the future.

Leadership Torque: See-Sawing with 500 Pound Gorillas

Leadership Torque: Making Choices and See-Sawing with 500 Pound Gorillas

Ever tried to see-saw with a 500 pound gorilla? It's just not a well-balanced situation, is it? But imagine what happens if the gorilla sits closer and closer to the center of the seesaw. At some point your weight, sticking way out on one end, will balance out the weight of the much heavier gorilla that's sitting near the pivot point. And the seesaw will level out. Whether you're aware of it or not, you and the gorilla have discovered torque. The Montshire Minute, The Montshire Museum

I am in no way a torque expert, but it seems to me that, in the Montshire Museum’s attempt to make the term ‘torque’ more understandable, they talk about the concept in a way that is helpful in understanding the dynamics of many relationships, personal and organizational.

For most of us, there is usually someone or something that feels like that 500-pound gorilla:

Its presence seems to, at the very least, throw us a little off balance or, at the very worst, leave us teetering precariously from the sheer weight of being a presence on our see-saw.

500-pound gorillas can seriously interfere with torque, adding stress to and interfering with any system.

I recently had a coaching session with a client which beautifully captures the essence of trying to make the choices which allow us to torque the best of our leadership with the metaphoric 500 pound gorillas in our workplace.

The coaching began with an in-depth exploration of the type of leader my client wants to be. Calm, confident and productive were the words she came up with. She knows that those words totally capture her ‘real’ self and that she is able to be that person. Well, … most of the time. There is, in fact, one person in her workplace who can disrupt the torque of my client’s good intentions. Other people might be rude or demanding; my client maintains her composure. However, with this one particular staff member, my client routinely finds herself becoming defensive, impatient, and angry.

She doesn’t want to.

She tries not to.

But … the presence of the 500-pound gorilla throws everything out of balance for her.

Isn’t that where the rubber hits the road? The vision of who we want to be is ideal and, possibly idyllic. The forces of life and work are perfectly balanced, we are walking the high road, and then … whammo, the 500-pound gorilla shows up.

Not to make excuses for the gorilla, but gorillas do what gorillas do. I worked with this client, as I do with a large percentage of my clients, about how to maintain her focus so that she:

- Is able to remain the calm, confident and productive leader that she wants to be.

- Understands the dynamics of the situation so that she doesn’t take it personally.

- Is able to move beyond the façade of control to having respectful dialogues in which she does not sacrifice her own dignity and power to someone else.

- Is able to recover torque based on the choices she is in charge of so that she is not in any way be perceived as a ‘bully.’

- Can discuss performance issues from that place of torque, which is the place of choice.

As another client reported, “I realize that I am always at choice, particularly with my thinking. Recognizing the choices that I have allows me to approach daily activities with more forethought rather than with a lack of focus.” And I would add: so as not to be at the mercy of people who show up as gorillas, at least in our minds.

Our choices impact:

1. Balance. Everything is on a continuum. Balance is one of those things … on a continuum of choices. On the seesaw of life, every choice we make either keeps us closer to that place of balance or takes us away from it.

2. Relationships. “We get to choose who we hang out with.” How often ha1` surprise, however, is the recognition of a basic truth: we either feed relationships or starve them based on the amount of time and energy we choose to give them.

In the workplace, we may seem to have little choice about who we work with; however, we do have choice around how we deal with the situations and the people, whether our boss, our staff, or our peers.

3. Sense of happiness. Abraham Lincoln is credited with saying, “People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” It sounds simple and simplistic, but I find it to be true: Some people are happy no matter what and, sadly, many people are unhappy no matter what. While external events can bring pleasure and satisfaction, happiness ultimately comes from an internal choice, not an external event.

4. Taking the high road or walking the low road. We choose whether or not we operate from the high road. It is not always an easy choice. In fact, it is often difficult, largely because of conflict of values. For example:

Do you honour the value that you do not talk negatively about a colleague or honour the value that you want to support the team?

Do you honour the value that you want to help others when to do so would impede your own professional success?

Do you honour the value that you always tell the truth or honour the value to not intentionally hurt someone?

What’s the high road in those situations?

You get to choose.