What You Say About Me Says a Lot About You

It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. ~Henry David Thoreau

Mentoring is an important component of Toastmasters International, of which I am a member. Mentoring offers new and existing members the opportunity to learn and grow from more experienced folks. I have been assigned as a mentor a couple of times. However, recently a club member approached me, asking “Sheila, would you be my mentor?”

I was delighted to be asked, and we formed a relationship that demonstrated once again the power of working with someone who, already accomplished in her own right, was open and willing to receiving feedback. In fact, not only was she open to feedback, she soaked it up like the proverbial sponge. As well, she welcomed my probing questions in the spirit of using them to learn and grow as a speaker.

In her evaluation of my mentoring, my mentee called me The Soul Whisperer. This was a new term for me, and I asked my mentee if she had made it up or heard it elsewhere. She e-mailed, “ No, I had not heard or read of it before. It came to mind when I asked myself how I would sum my experience with you.” It was, of course, most gratifying that she got so much out of the experience. Says a great deal about who she is as a learner and a leader.

In case I had any intentions of erecting a pedestal in homage to my new status as The Soul Whisperer, someone quickly came along to knock me off that particular construction site! You see, there is someone in my circle who sees me quite differently. In the spirit of being helpful, I’m sure, she has, for some reason, fallen into the habit of pointing out to me all the ways that I need to improve. At first, I was open to her comments but now they seem to have crossed over a boundary between helpfulness and just being critical. It seems I am seen as a “fixer-upper,” like the old house that has potential but lots of flaws. The latest bit of advice is that my hugs need improvement.

Now, I do not want to off-handedly dismiss my friend’s opinion. Hugs are obviously important to her. However, unlike her, I do not always greet with a hug; thus, I’ve decided against judging my hugs as good or bad, right or wrong because … well, it kinda spoils the hugging experience, does it not? If other people want to judge hugs, that’s their “stuff.”

Am I The Soul Whisperer or a fixer-upper? I would say I am probably both, and a whole lot more. As an individual, I am, like you, gifted as well as flawed, not always perfect but seeing the perfection in who I am.

When we become grounded in who we are, other’s opinions, gracious or not, are accepted for what they are … a reflection of the other person, not to be disregarded but to be embraced in light of who we know we truly are.

Whatever any individual sees in me is but one aspect of who I am, and even The Soul Whisperer cannot please all the people all the time.

P.S. Since writing this, I have learned that my oldest brother, Grant, is on life support in an intensive care unit. He is a big, strong guy, but is still seriously ill and not expected home from hospital until Christmas. What a reminder of how tenuous, and oft times silly, all of this worldly stuff is. We are miles apart, physically; however, I imagine putting my arms around him, holding him, and sending him loving hugs nightly.

Coach Yourself: Who in your life is not measuring up to all that you think they could be? What does your opinion say about YOU?

Eating Crow and Meeting the Top Dog

Those of you who know me know that one of my mantras over the past ten-plus years has been, “You can’t change the system.” To which I would always add, “You can only change yourself.” It is time for me to eat crow, which according to Wikipedia, implies humiliating myself after “being proven wrong after taking a strong position.” OK … wouldn’t be the first time that has happened. I have, after all, been around the block a few times.

But … enough of the humiliation thing. What I now realize is that we, as individuals, are systems! Thus, when we change ourselves, we are making a system change (and, hopefully, a system uprgrade).

As a system, humans are rather fascinating. Like all systems, we have components which are , in and of themselves, systems. Heart, lungs, and brain are systems within the body system. Our thoughts, beliefs, and values are also components of the system. In the past three years, I've done advanced, leading edge coach training with several individuals related to systems.

One of those individuals, Rachel Conerly, is the author of The Collaborative Operating System^TM , a simple but brilliant antidote to the old hierarchical system in which we are so completely, and largely unconsciously, immersed. The hierarchy is like the white elephant in the room … we don’t talk about it, but we rail and flail against it. Whether on the global stage with riots in the Middle East, on the local political scene with wars of words, or around the water cooler in the workplace, there is resistance to what is and longing for something better.

One of the things that I've gotten super clear on is that each of us, as human beings, is a system operating within larger and larger systems. The impact of this interplay of systems is profound. From a hierarchical perspective, there is always a top dog. In organizations, this is “the boss” who often has a boss, who also has a boss, and so on.

Individually, there is often a top dog as well … a part of us that is in control or dominates much of the time. For many of my clients, I’ve labeled their top dog as their “should-er.” For them, should’s are in charge: I should get this report done, I should spend more time with my family, I should get some rest, I should be a volunteer. Their should-er is running their lives.

On a personal level, my top dog for the past couple of years has been focused on writing a book. It has the working title, “The Boss and Me and the System Makes Three." I look forward to sharing more about that with you in the future.

Leadership Torque: See-Sawing with 500 Pound Gorillas

Leadership Torque: Making Choices and See-Sawing with 500 Pound Gorillas

Ever tried to see-saw with a 500 pound gorilla? It's just not a well-balanced situation, is it? But imagine what happens if the gorilla sits closer and closer to the center of the seesaw. At some point your weight, sticking way out on one end, will balance out the weight of the much heavier gorilla that's sitting near the pivot point. And the seesaw will level out. Whether you're aware of it or not, you and the gorilla have discovered torque. The Montshire Minute, The Montshire Museum

I am in no way a torque expert, but it seems to me that, in the Montshire Museum’s attempt to make the term ‘torque’ more understandable, they talk about the concept in a way that is helpful in understanding the dynamics of many relationships, personal and organizational.

For most of us, there is usually someone or something that feels like that 500-pound gorilla:

Its presence seems to, at the very least, throw us a little off balance or, at the very worst, leave us teetering precariously from the sheer weight of being a presence on our see-saw.

500-pound gorillas can seriously interfere with torque, adding stress to and interfering with any system.

I recently had a coaching session with a client which beautifully captures the essence of trying to make the choices which allow us to torque the best of our leadership with the metaphoric 500 pound gorillas in our workplace.

The coaching began with an in-depth exploration of the type of leader my client wants to be. Calm, confident and productive were the words she came up with. She knows that those words totally capture her ‘real’ self and that she is able to be that person. Well, … most of the time. There is, in fact, one person in her workplace who can disrupt the torque of my client’s good intentions. Other people might be rude or demanding; my client maintains her composure. However, with this one particular staff member, my client routinely finds herself becoming defensive, impatient, and angry.

She doesn’t want to.

She tries not to.

But … the presence of the 500-pound gorilla throws everything out of balance for her.

Isn’t that where the rubber hits the road? The vision of who we want to be is ideal and, possibly idyllic. The forces of life and work are perfectly balanced, we are walking the high road, and then … whammo, the 500-pound gorilla shows up.

Not to make excuses for the gorilla, but gorillas do what gorillas do. I worked with this client, as I do with a large percentage of my clients, about how to maintain her focus so that she:

- Is able to remain the calm, confident and productive leader that she wants to be.

- Understands the dynamics of the situation so that she doesn’t take it personally.

- Is able to move beyond the façade of control to having respectful dialogues in which she does not sacrifice her own dignity and power to someone else.

- Is able to recover torque based on the choices she is in charge of so that she is not in any way be perceived as a ‘bully.’

- Can discuss performance issues from that place of torque, which is the place of choice.

As another client reported, “I realize that I am always at choice, particularly with my thinking. Recognizing the choices that I have allows me to approach daily activities with more forethought rather than with a lack of focus.” And I would add: so as not to be at the mercy of people who show up as gorillas, at least in our minds.

Our choices impact:

1. Balance. Everything is on a continuum. Balance is one of those things … on a continuum of choices. On the seesaw of life, every choice we make either keeps us closer to that place of balance or takes us away from it.

2. Relationships. “We get to choose who we hang out with.” How often ha1` surprise, however, is the recognition of a basic truth: we either feed relationships or starve them based on the amount of time and energy we choose to give them.

In the workplace, we may seem to have little choice about who we work with; however, we do have choice around how we deal with the situations and the people, whether our boss, our staff, or our peers.

3. Sense of happiness. Abraham Lincoln is credited with saying, “People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” It sounds simple and simplistic, but I find it to be true: Some people are happy no matter what and, sadly, many people are unhappy no matter what. While external events can bring pleasure and satisfaction, happiness ultimately comes from an internal choice, not an external event.

4. Taking the high road or walking the low road. We choose whether or not we operate from the high road. It is not always an easy choice. In fact, it is often difficult, largely because of conflict of values. For example:

Do you honour the value that you do not talk negatively about a colleague or honour the value that you want to support the team?

Do you honour the value that you want to help others when to do so would impede your own professional success?

Do you honour the value that you always tell the truth or honour the value to not intentionally hurt someone?

What’s the high road in those situations?

You get to choose.

Nova Scotia Largest Hospital CEO Speaks Out

Call To Action

Print Page | Return to Previous Page

A Message from - Chris Power, President & CEO, Capital Health
January 30, 2009

We did not have a crisis last week. We have been in a crisis for much, much longer. I believe it is a crisis when we do not have the agility to make the changes we are being called to make to meet the needs of our patients; when we do not listen when our colleagues call to us for help; when we lay blame with others for our lack of will to change; and when our own politics become more important than people.

We have allowed ourselves to be paralyzed by our internal politics, our fears, our structures and our personal agendas. We are not incompetent and we are not uncaring. And yet we have come to accept the crisis that has emerged around us.

We did not have a crisis last week. We had a wake-up call.

The time for internal politics, fear, structures and personal agendas is over. Every person who works within Capital Health is here to serve others. Don’t read into this message something that is not there - we are not overlooking our academic mission or our research agenda. We are drawing a line in the sand - a line that says if we cannot see our way clear to focus on doing what is right for the health of our patients and our communities - then we should rethink our reasons for coming to work here.

This past week I have experienced more frustration, anger, fear, sadness and disappointment than in any other time in my career. I know many of you felt the same way. I’m not going to choke that down and get past it or pretend that we are powerless to change it. I am choosing to carry it with me so that we learn from it and we take actions to change it - actions that begin right now.

At the meeting of the senior executive team (“LET”) this week there were some decisions made that directly impact the situation at the QEII Emergency specifically, and the district as a whole. Some of these changes will bring new energy, ideas and relationships to those areas. Others will set new direction and a new level of accountability for LET, our physician leads and you. You will hear more about these in the days to come.

I was clear about my expectations with LET - and I am being clear with you now - what happened last week is not the fault of physicians in our community, the inappropriate use of health care resources by the public and it is not a problem of the Emergency Department. There are challenges and there are shortages. That isn’t going to change. What is going to change is that we are going to stop talking about what we can’t do and start doing what we can do.

In case you have any doubts, I will be very clear about this as well. The changes we are making are not optional.

We have a responsibility to raise our line of sight and demonstrate the agility, the wisdom, the courage and the compassion required for the changes we are being called to make. I know we can do this because I see glimmers of it today in pockets of our organization. If I did not believe we are capable of doing better, I would not be here. So if you’re still feeling numb, or thinking this is a problem that someone else is going to fix, it’s time to wake up and look around. We are the system - you, me and everyone else who comes to work at Capital Health. We have work to get done.

Take care
Chris

"Take Your Heart to Work Day" Experience

Hello Sheila,

I'd like to share my experience with your focus card on 'Take your Heart to Work Day' Jan 27th, 2009.

I'm not new at writing inspirational little notes to myself, but I hadn't actually done it for some time. So I printed off your great focus card and filled it in (just for fun). I was soon reminded of the powerful effects of defining and committing to, what is "really, really, really important". I carried the card with me and came across it several times when I was reaching for something else. Soon, my focus message automatically came to mind before every encounter. The use of the card really helped me to clarify my focus while letting the 'rest of the rubble' of mindless thinking drift into the background. I felt a flow and ease as I interacted with others and it greatly contributed to the helpful and positive results I experienced.

At the end of the day, I couldn't help thinking what our lives, our work and our world might be like, if each one of us took a minute before we started our day to collect our thoughts and focus on what is really at the heart of the matter.

Thanks for the great reminder!

Sincerely,

Theresa Tomilson RNCP

Two Teens Turn Tide Against Bullying by Wearing Pink Shirts

Two Nova Scotia (Canada) students are being praised across North America for the way they turned the tide against the bullies who picked on a fellow student for wearing pink.

The victim — a Grade 9 boy at Central Kings Rural High School in the small community of Cambridge — wore a pink polo shirt on his first day of school.

Bullies harassed the boy, called him a homosexual for wearing pink and threatened to beat him up, students said.

Two Grade 12 students — David Shepherd and Travis Price — heard the news and decided to take action.

"I just figured enough was enough," said Shepherd.

They went to a nearby discount store and bought 50 pink shirts, including tank tops, to wear to school the next day.

'Sea of pink' support

Then the two went online to e-mail classmates to get them on board with their anti-bullying cause that they dubbed a "sea of pink."

But a tsunami of support poured in the next day.

Not only were dozens of students outfitted with the discount tees, but hundreds of students showed up wearing their own pink clothes, some head-to-toe.

The two Grade 12 students show off the pink shirts they wore to school.
(CBC)

When the bullied student, who has never been identified, walked into school to see his fellow students decked out in pink, some of his classmates said it was a powerful moment. He may have even blushed a little.

"Definitely it looked like there was a big weight lifted off his shoulders. He went from looking right depressed to being as happy as can be," said Shepherd.

And there's been nary a peep from the bullies since, which Shepherd says just goes to show what a little activism will do.

"If you can get more people against them … to show that we're not going to put up with it and support each other, then they're not as big as a group as they think are," he says.

The students' "sea of pink" campaign did not go unnoticed outside the province. U.S. talk show host Ellen DeGeneres expressed interest in their story, and other schools are talking about holding their own "pink day."

"It's been totally overwhelming for us. I mean we're just two local boys and I mean we're getting calls from like Alaska and e-mails. It's just phenomenal the support that we've gotten from across the globe," said Price.

The school principal, understandably, was flush with pride.

"You're always hearing about the youth of the world and how bad things are. Well, they're not that bad," said Stephen Pearl.

Source: http://www.cbc.ca/canada/nova-scotia/story/2007/09/18/pink-tshirts-students.html?ref=rss 2007

Acting From The Heart

This blog has been created as a place to share stories about what can happen when we return to values that are held in the heart, when we are inspired to step out of the box that says 'this is the way it is done, when we have the courage to be vulnerable and 'real.'

Please ... share your story or someone else's.